Without fail, you read me like an open book too. Last night, when i was just about to get started on writing an entry in my blog, you figured out my inner thoughts and moods. Just a simple 'hmm u okay?' and i knew i was exposed.

i asked myself whether i am in the position to be jealous.
i asked myself just where we are standing in each other's lives.
i asked myself what it is that i really want.
i asked myself what it is that is on your mind.
i asked myself whether i can have what i want.
i asked myself whether i should allow to let things continue the way it is.
i asked myself why is it that i couldnt let things go.
i asked myself why i am so selfish.
i asked myself why did things have to happen the way it is.
i asked myself whether it is a joke being played out on me.
i asked myself whether it is all just a terrible nightmare.
i asked myself why it is that there are things within reach, but beyond my control.

Seriously, am i in the position to be jealous? Just what am i to you that gives me the authority to feel this way? When you told me you are going out with him today, i guessed the emotion running through me made my expression changed a little. Indeed, i was trying to hide it from you because i didnt think that i have the right to feel anything. A few times, when i looked at you on MSN, you seemed caught up in doing something, and your expression looks different. That's how i gathered that you may have just wrote an entry in your blog. i dropped by and realised i was right. Reading your entry, jealousy kicks in a little more, but right at the same instant, i chastised myself for feeling this way. So many thoughts flooded my mind, and once again, i was reminded of what my da sao told me.

"Do not continue to let things remain grey and carry on with whatever you two are doing. This is not healthy."
"If you continue, things will just remain to be a vicious cycle."
"Ask yourself what it is that you really want before you proceed to do anything."

i think there is just no point in asking myself what it is that i truly and really want. It doesnt matter anymore. What i want, may not be what i'll get. Like i said, things are within reach, but they may not exactly be within my control. And this is very sad. i never realised just how significant such a thing can stand in the way between two people. i have heard, from other people's experience, but i have never truly come to understand it, until i tasted it myself. It's bitter. And it's sour too.

One too many tears have flowed. "we r not going thru the whole crying thing again" and i said i would not let that happen again. But just a while back, even as i try to distract myself from all those thoughts, i let my guard down and succumbed to one of them and my eyes became moist. Before i knew it, a droplet trickled down my right cheek and another felt right out of my left eye, straight onto my shirt.

i really need to put a stop to this weeping business. Distract me from my thoughts.