Okay, first and foremost, to someone, i am and can be gay, but i am not a gay. Too profound for you? Then too bad...

Anyway, i met up with a primary school classmate of mine on Tuesday night and had a long chat to catch up. His name is Jonathan Tan. i am very impressed with him. He didnt do well in his A Levels on his first attempt. And when he received his results, he dropped into a spiral of depression, and stepped onto a self-destructive path. Then, he was serving his first year in NS. He told me that he would be indulging in online games whenever he's home. He didnt care about anything else. He just wanted to be absorbed into the virtual world so that the worries of the real world would never catch up with him. i knew what he meant.

But something else happened. His mother and younger brother, back then, were disappointed in him, not for his results, but for his attitude at handling this crisis. One day, his brother went up to him and asked him something. i couldnt really remember what the exact lines were but it was a good wake-up call for him. For a day or two, he started reflecting on himself. And fortunately, he picked himself up and decided to re-take his A Levels as a private candidate and ultimately, came out with better grades. He will be entering NUS Arts to study economics this year.

i am absolutely amazed at his decisiveness, his conviction, his determination, his enthusiasm and his self-motivating spirit. For, if the situation were to happen to me, i really wonder if i were able to handle it like him. To me, my environment has to be conducive. And the way i see it, if i were to be re-taking the A Levels, i dont think my environment will be as good and conducive as the way i want it to be. Therefore, i dont even dare to think of myself re-doing A Levels.

But a heart-to-heart talk was what i had with Jonathan. There came a moment when he told me this. "Jas, knowing you for so long ever since primary school, i feel that currently, you are not living your life at full potential." His words were sharp, honest and to the point. And no, there wasnt any pain in my heart. In fact, i knew that i am really not living at maximum potential. Looking at my grades from PSLE to A Levels, it's a downward trend. And pretty much, i know the reason why.

i think i have been too nonchalant in quite a few areas in my life. When i was young, everything was smooth-sailing and things always fall nicely in place for me. All i had to do, was to play my part and play it well. No, i dont do things to the bare minimum. i settle my business and any problems to the point of satisfaction. My level of satisfaction? Maybe i'll say it to be at average? But as i grow older, i started finding myself in situations when i have to look for opportunities myself and seize upon them when i get them right to my doorstep. Gone are the days when the opportunities arrive at my doorstep, it presses on the doorbell, and tells me, "Hey, i'm an opportunity, maybe you should grab me." i guess i was fortunate when i was young. When you grow older, you'll inevitably start to see the that you are living in a dog-eat-dog world. It's a cruel fact, but it is definitely something you have to recognise. People starts becoming selfish, and you find that it doesnt pay to be nice. You no longer see the world as how you used to see it as a child.

"Oh my god. Such pessimism! Get this guy out of here! He's destructive, in every sense." Dont you just feel like telling me that? Let me tell you this, i am a optimistic pessimist. That is, i'm a pessimist by nature, but i always try to look things on the bright side. Once again, too profound for you? But never mind, ask me personally and i'll explain to you what's on my mind. Okay, maybe you'll find it distasteful on my previous paragraph. Let me offer you some solace in all that i have said. People are selfish. No doubts about that. But they are like this because they are trying to protect themselves. It is for the fact that they have been hurt in the past, for being too nice to somebody maybe, that there is this self-defending mechanism that flicks its switch on the moment the person begins to find the situation all too familiar. It's like a knee-jerk reaction. You tap your knee-cap, and your leg moves without any conscious thought. Maybe when they person displayed his/her selfish actions, s/he did it without knowing it. A reflex action, maybe? Well, seriously, nobody knows. "Aiyah, the optimism in this guy is just pure naivety, he doesnt know what he is talking about. Get him out of here!" Again, somebody may just tell me this. But i guess, it's always better to live thinking on the bright side of life, rather than dwell on the sad misfortunes that may actually never happen. Unnecessary worries will be what i'll call them.

So how do you engage a person so that s/he will not display selfishness to you? Now, will you agree with me that your real and close friends, are those who you have made in school, be it primary school, secondary school, or other institutions? Okay, most likely they will be from primary or secondary school. i dont know why the likelihood is lower when it comes to tertiary institutions like junior college or polytechnics. i guess competition gets stiffer by then, and people starts thinking more selfishly. Of course, i may be wrong, due to the word called "exceptions". But i'm sure, your closer and bosom friends will most likely come from primary or secondary schools. Okay, so what am i trying to get at? (i'm starting to feel a little incoherent, so pardon me) Engage and interact with a person with a sincere heart. For, when you were in school, you will never be harbouring ill intentions at a person. Maybe just naughty intentions, but never evil. Likewise, with the same attitude, treat a person nice and with respect. If you dont, then you're just a piece of shit.

Therefore, to the person whom i said i will like to test the limits, i will be changing my mind. My battle plan needs a revolution.

Okay, maybe i'll reveal what it means to be a optimistic pessimist. Being one, it is to assume for the best, and prepared for the worst. Like in the post titled "Everything begins with a thought", it is important not to be flooding your mind with negativity. A little negativity is fine, for it allows you to see what kind of consequences they are. But stop there! Start to think of the positives and assume for the best. i guess this is what it means to be self-motivating.

i may be wrong. i may be naive. i may be seeking pain in my heart. i may be making mistakes. But surely, i must learn from my mistakes.