i cant even think of a proper name for the title of this post.

It is coming close to 20 years of my life.

i have never felt so down.
so sad.
so confused.
so miserable.
so betrayed.
so helpless.
so crestfallen (dejected; dispirited; discouraged).
so disappointed at myself.
so angry.
And most important of all, i have never felt so STUPID!!!

But yet at the same time, i have never learn so much in my life. To quote from one of my friend's msn nick: "to gain, something of equal value must be lost". Well, it wasnt something of equal value that i lost to learn this biggest lesson of my life. In fact, it was something of a lower value.

If you guys really want to know what happened, you can try asking me but it'll depend on my mood and thoughts whether i'll consider telling you. It is no small matter i have experienced, i must stress. i also do not wish to put a brief summary of it here because the moment i think about it, my heart really aches. The pain isnt intense, but it is significant enough to make my mind want to reject the whole episode almost naturally. Some of you may already know, but if you want to talk to me about it, dont hesitate to because i do want an avenue to release the pressure in me. Of course, i very much want to take revenge. But revenge begets further revenge. So right now, i got to let my head cool down.

i confessed the whole episode to my mum. She blew into a rage, but not instantly. i didnt hope for that to happen but i felt she do deserve to give me a real good wake-up call. There is going to be a round two because i haven yet told my dad. i am really scared to talk to him about it and i really do want to not discuss with him about the whole thing. But, i will have to because i need to face with reality and face with all that has happened.

All in all for today, i'm taking delight in going for my JC mini-class gathering and inviting them over to my home to watch the fireworks from the NDP preview, namely Samuel, Eileen, Yulin, Daryl, Jiawei and CheeFung. They helped to make my day a better one, when everything in the world seems to be crumbling down onto me. Thanks guys! i do appreciate everything, especially Samuel for organising this and Yulin for the thought of having a meet up. You guys managed to bring many smiles on my face for today when i seemed to have lost them.

P.S. if you think the problem's got to do with my love life, especially when i mention heart ache, you shld be able to figure out it is not if i have to confess the episode to my parents.