i muz say my click in class has disappeared... it's gone frm my life... it's really a sad thing i muz say... my click WAS a rather big grp actually... but after a few incidents, it's as gd as separated into two... and i dun fall into any of the two... i've actually fallen thru the crack... dunno whether izzit a coincidence or wad, but the separation was between the girls and boys... hAiz... i believe that when the separation was fresh, i tried to cling on to the two grp, trying to be a gd typical singaporean, upholding goodwill among everyone... but i muz say, neva do this in real life... juz like in love, u shld neva 'yi4 jiao3 ta4 liang3 chuan2', neva be so greedy... okay, maybe u can try to sustain a neutral light-hearted friendship between the two, but there muz be a priority... this priority makes all the difference... i muz say i've neva been gd at multi-tasking... therefore, trying to cling onto two sides will juz lead to pure failure... and i've failed... i'm neither wif the girls, and i'm neither wif the boys...

 

take these 2 scenarios...

 

the girls' side... okay, i'm a boy... and there's juz no way i can get into their world... simply put, there's no way i can try to get into their (everything) even if i psyche my thinking to their lvl... girls being girls, a guy trying to get into the girls' conversation is juz like a pathogen who has tried to get its way into a human system and in no time, it'll be destroyed by the self-defence system... i'll juz be left out easily... and one more thing, there's this one person on the girls' side, i dunno y, guess there's something wrong wif me... maybe u can call it as 'kan4 bu4 shun4 yan3', but there's juz this one person in there, it can be juz out of the blue, i find her a thorn in my eyes... juz simply find her irritating... it's not her fault i guess, but it juz happens... i dunno y... there r juz some times when i cant tolerate her behaviour, cant tolerate her thinking, cant tolerate her actions, cant tolerate her voice... hAiz, there's something wrong wif me... selective-PMS initiated by a person? maybe, but i really dunno...

 

the guys' side... hAiz... i dunno wad to say la... a total of three guys including me... let one guy be J1, and the other J2... wad else can i say? recalling on my attitude to my studies becoz of my grades, i've really shown much less attention and consideration to J1... i've got no choice but to devote my attention to lectures and tutorials... and juz nice, there was this period of time when J1 was feeling down... all due to one thing... i know that he was feeling depressed... it's his character to show pple that he's not happy... and he wants everyone to know... i believe in his sub-concious state, he wants pple to automatically come forward to console him... he doesnt want to hav to speak up to tell pple to console him as he's depressed... i mean, nobody does that rite? ya, he did show that, it's his nature... but then, i wanted to pay my greatest attention to the lessons... and besides, i'm not v.gd at consoling pple... so, i juz gave him the occasional look to see if he's alrite... but this look frm me, nobody will know that i'm trying to show my share of concern... unless there's someone who knows me super well... (i dunno whether i've found such a person) but anyway... i din really go forward to J1 to ask whether he's feeling fine... so, J1 went to talk to J2... i think J1 thinks that i bo chap him... actually i'm not... it's juz that, my grades frm my common tests doesnt permit me to take away too much of my attention on him... (JC term/common tests is a significant factor in spoiling social relationships, fuck JC term/common tests, or rather, fuck the JC education system...) i guess it all clearly boils down to one obvious thing, J1 and J2 hav form a click between themselves w/o they themselves knowing it... i'm not totally left out, but frm their actions, body languages, conversations, and many other things, i can easily tell that i'm out frm their self-created-without-knowing click... this can be seen easily in lectures and tutorials... i still do sit wif them, but they're both in a world of their own... they more than 90% speak to each other, unless i chap in to ask 'wad wad? wad u pple talking abt?', and in tutorials, same thing happening... how abt breaks and lunch breaks? this is even worse, coz both of them are attached... and attached to girls who r in NJ... so, they themselves go find their respective partners during these recesses... and i'm all left alone... forget abt the girls, wad did i say juz now? i dun want to be a pathogen... how abt the rest of the guys in class? they are all muggers who will rush home to mug and do homework upon the ring of the bell of the last period for that day... maybe not so serious la, but on most days, they do this... luckily, there's samuel boss who takes my nonsense-quarrelling-playing mode of fun... and of course, also not forgetting harland, whom i also talk to which is much more than the rest of the other guys in class...

 

and another gd thing, luckily, but quite weird too... there's hy,yl and mich to go arnd wif... hy knows abt my condition... and after speaking out, yl also knows abt here and there... so now, they're more of my click now i guess... but still, i'm still not super close wif them... other than yl who always smacks hard on my chest... *oUch*, i muz say that i'll get lung failure v.soon...

 

i'm being a little stereotype here, in some parts... but still, i muz not forget stef and reg... coz they're all the two girls frm the girls' side who will still chat wif me abt anything... however, i'm beginning to notice that i've drifted v.much away frm them too... it's kinda sad lor... but no matter how much i think i've drifted away frm these two pple, i still choose to believe that i can still go find them up to chat anytime... am i rite?

 

it's really hard to go on in class now... other than the feeling of the 'need' to study hard and do well, there isnt much motivation in me, other than the self-motivation i'm giving to myself, and of course, frm the brotherhood who's supporting me omni-presently... especially to yw and dw... btw, dw, i'll tell ya the nxt time i see u la... if u're tired of guessing who the person is... or maybe u diden even think of wanting to guess in the first place... haha...

 

life is getting more and more of a challenge to get by everyday... it wasnt easy frm the start... but only when u've lost certain things to history, do u cherish those times... like the times in ACS(I)... "in days of yore"... i'm really feeling nostalgic now... NJ is practically screwing my life upside down... sometimes, i do feel the urge to leave that lousy place, but luckily, the urge is always short-lived and not strong... i believe my culture is still wif the AC family... it's a unique culture that only the ACSian will understand... i've placed my full commitment and loyalty to the AC family... it's solid and unshaken! even in uncertain times...