okay... today has been one of the worst days i've ever been thru in my entire life! seriously, everything small sad thing that happen really accumulate to one huge block of shit! accumulation is one powerful thing!

first things first, the day started off super super badly... chem lecture, stepped into the lt, saw diana face-to-face... and guess wad? she turned away juz when i was abt to say hi... wth?? wad juz happen? i dunno wad to say coz i really dunno wad was in her mind there and then! but it really got me irritated and bothered the whole day! i dunno wad i did to deserve her 'dao-ing' action! the whole thing put me to an all time low...

nxt big thing... this one is not a small sad thing... quite a big one... and tat is not making it thru the student leadership body... oh well, at first i was taking it quite easy... but now, i'm juz like having mixed emotions abt this whole thing... even confusion... coz i juz dunno how i shld feel abt me not being able to make it thru the body. it's totally two extremes... one extreme, disappointment. i was disappointed not making thru the elections. it's like, i was super slack for this whole campaign thingy... frankly speaking, i was quite confident abt making thru, coz lignum was running a shortage of ppl, and i naturally think that it will not be super tough getting in, but i was bloody, seriously, idiotically,cock-headed wrong abt it!! wadever was i thinking?? well, maybe i'm juz being too confident and optimistic abt it... and that teach me the same lesson abt being a optimistic... i've always been quite a pessimistic, for a GOOD reason... u see, a pessimistic sees things frm all sorts of bad view... and then? he/she is prepared for the worst! the impact/consequence/blow will be cushioned with the mental preparedness... for an optimist, it's not this case... and this time, being an optimist for this incident, i got v.disappointed abt it... quoting a short line frm brother vince, "hope leads to disappointment", and i really really agree with him at this point of time... so, i din make it thru, and ya, the disappointment is hitting me quite hard... and the other extreme?? well, happiness that i'm a free person again! free frm quite alota commitments... i can do many things again! catching up with homework, revising/re-studying, playing cards??, tapao food!! haha, many many more i guess... hAiz, but definitely between this two extremes, there's gonna be a balance scale... well, all i can say is that the disappointment is tipping the scales...

and now, for the thing that has really put me in depression for all this time... okay, for those who r reading my blog, which i believe u've read abt the one when i gave flowers to diana?? on choir nite?? haha, that was one exciting moment... but ya, ever since then, i've like 'lost touch' with her?? i.e. not msging her, talking to her... it's like, i was super busy... doing alota work and many cheerleading practise! okay, dun want to compare the frequency of our training with solaris and the other houses lah, but i was busy with many things, other than cheerleading... and so, i was busy till the extent that i nv msg her for quite a while... and now wad is going thru my mind?? i juz got this feeling that this whole thing is in a crisis by itself lor!! to speak the truth, it's already hard to go talk to diana, coz she's always with s12 ppl, like lynette, shaun, brent and many more... and they're all in a conversation of their own, and there's juz no way i can join in their conversation... and i end up being a passive listener, and end up being a quiet, stitched-mouth boy there... looking stupid... looking timid... but wad to do? i juz can't talk to u ppl?? hello?? hAiz... i need some serious help here... some serious advise, anything... i was talking to siewee abt this incident, the one in chem lecture... she was telling me that there might be the possibility that diana doesnt know wad and how to react to me, esp after giving her flowers, and i did not take action to show 'something'... u-know-wad lah huh?? and so in the end, she got irritated by it?? angry with it?? and she's anticipating my 'forward move' which i'm not making... well, i really dunno... it's hard to read a person's mind, it's harder to read a girl's mind... i really want to know wad is going thru diana's mind, wad she thinks of me and other stuffs... hAiz, i'm really confused... i'm really sad... i'm really irritated too... it could be due to my lack of sleep which is impairing my ability to think rationally... maybe... maybe not... i'm dunno lah... and so, off to lala-land shall i go now... and think again tmr... may some miracle thoughts fall on me soon... pull me out frm this torturous and stifling situation!! this thing is affecting me...